So without realizing it, this is blog #100. Whodathunkit?
Certainly not me.
Well, it’s only fitting since the topic I am going to write about will be one of raw emotions and unfiltered feelings. Pretty much how my life has always been…
I hit a brick wall last weekend (figuratively speaking) and while I will not go into any sordid details, it left me with this undeniable query of “Will I ever really fit anywhere?” Since as a child, I’ve grappled with feelings of fitting in/being accepted. Being in the music scene for so many years, there’s a lot of phoniness, many wolves in sheep’s clothing. Everyone pretends to like you while scheming some hidden agenda or ulterior motive. Outside of that, some people in general are just not good to be around. I’m not perfect, nowhere close. But I’ve always been transparent with my thoughts, which could scare people off. (So have my bad dad jokes and supposed ‘weird’ guitar playing, but we’ll get to that later…)
There are a lot of miserable people in the world. If you’re happy, they hate it. If you fall down, they either laugh at you, or pretend to be the hero by ‘saving’ you. Lots of low-key bullying in the world; and yes lots of very overt bullying as well. Have I hurt people? Sure. I never sabotaged anyone though. I think about all the musicians that I worked with, and they most likely have nothing nice to say about me, which is fine. I won’t sit here and act like I’m the Mother Teresa of metal. But as my friend Bob told me recently, “I don’t know anyone who is surrounded by jealousy as much as you.”
I went home Saturday night with pangs in my stomach. “Do I truly belong anywhere?” and “What does it mean to be liked?” crowded my brain as I was driving home, listening to Nevermore at blistering volumes. I may never fit anywhere in life, and just have to accept it for face value. Perhaps I do it to myself, because I’m a quirky, creative musician and human being, while some enjoy being pedestrian and generic. “You do you” seems to be the cliche of the moment, so to that I say, if someone is happy coasting through life, great. That will never be me. I may be content in some aspects of life but the universe will always find a way to remind me that I have miles to go before I can truly feel utter bliss.
Now about me being ‘weird’…
I am sick of saying that about myself. I am tired of people saying that word to me. Am I quirky/eccentric/artistic? Yes. True artists tend to isolate themselves, and in some ways, society isolates us. “You will never be one of us” is another mantra (and a damn good song by Nails). And am sure you are asking me “Why should you care at your age?” Yes I do care. One day, I hope to be so calloused and thick-skinned but for now, I am still a bundle of exposed nerves. That most likely lends itself to being creative and challenging myself.
As far as the real world, I just have to deal with the notion that fitting in is not part of the agenda. I was born to shine, to stand out. And if some people don’t like it, that’s on them. I won’t change my stripes, won’t bend to anyone’s will. If that makes me appear difficult, fine.
Oh and for the record, there is nothing wrong with me.
Except being true to myself.