I FOUND MY PLACE

You are most likely looking at this picture and thinking “Has Steve lost his mind?”

I did that years ago, so keep up with me.

I will never ever profess to being knowledgeable at all about Buddhism or whatever. However, lately I’ve been feeling things shift, my energy being re-purposed in some cosmic way. Now you’re reading this and ready to sign off but please stay with me here.

The world has been in chaos for quite some time. I’ll never discuss politics, religion, anything that will spark controversy. Simply stated, a lot of people need to wake up and smell the coffee (mine is strong this morning!) Read that above post and mentally check off what you’ve done. I guarantee 20% of it has happened. I can speak from past experiences: I thought being busy was the answer. It’s good to be busy as long as it’s doing things you enjoy. Some people love running around like a headless chicken and then when they are able to slow down, a wave of guilt takes over. Why? Because society does not like when you’re happy!!!

Read that last line again.

Do I miss performing? Yes. Do I miss pushing tickets, stressing the day of a show, and feeling like I’m already tired tomorrow? No. I used to think all of those things were the key to feeling fulfilled. I was so very wrong. I never cared for “Well you only sold x amount so you’re on first, but the other band sold ALL their tickets (bought them in advance, really). Never about the music, all about playing the games. Not conducive to art.

(Oops! I forgot it’s about posing and being delusional!)

Do I miss the hustle and bustle of my last job? At times. When sales were great, I was invincible. But when sales were soft, I felt powerless. That’s no way to live. Especially when you worked with toxic people who didn’t and wouldn’t know how to chill out. Everything was rush-rush-rush, get those sales, or hear the wrath of “I could fire you right now”. Again, that’s how society operates.

Grind away until you die. No thanks.

I would get mocked for doing my walks. Yes that’s true. “Wait, you WALK?!” I’ve been walking since as a child and it’s never stopped. Yet some of my friends and family will scoff it off. Then they try it. And then realize, “Wait, this really is the best!” Even if I walk for 20 minutes, it helps wire me up for the day. Unless it’s freezing cold out, then I can’t make a move!

What’s the point of this blog? I’ll tell ya…

You all need to learn to appreciate who and where you are in life. It took me til about four months ago to suddenly have that light bulb epiphany. But isn’t that silly hippy-dippy nonsense? To those who enjoy being super-busy and “I’ll sleep when I’m dead”, yes. They don’t know any other life because they were taught “YOU HAVE TO KEEP MOVING!” Or maybe some are running away from a reality that they refuse to face, so keeping busy makes them feel a step ahead.

I may not always be right but am never wrong 😉

Also the company I keep has helped me. I had to back away from going to certain shows because the vibes don’t agree with me. Do I love metal? Of course. Do I love the wanna-be attitudes and posturing? No. And that’s really what most people do, no matter the profession. Everyone basically reading the same script, just change the job and don’t trip over the furniture. I never put on an act but was good as making it look like what I was doing was fulfilling. Deep down inside, I was a mess. Here’s the rub: PEOPLE LIKED WHEN I WAS MISERABLE! They felt a connection because, as they say, misery loves company. I shed that skin a while back and watched everyone disappear from my life.

Since the lockdowns, I have learned to embrace and appreciate my solitude. Long walks and finding quiet spots on bike trails and forests made me feel more grounded. I gained a bit more clarity and insight to myself, the world around me, and old wounds started closing. Years of unpacking is a chore, but I am ready to tackle it. And then the strangest thing happened…

I looked at life way differently. People I thought I knew showed their truest colors. I found a new tribe, if you will. They enjoy my company, bad jokes, and aren’t concerned with keeping up with their purported image. That’s so exhausting! These people are chill, no airs, no pretentious nonsense. And surprise surprise, sometimes I actually get invited places! They want me around?! Whodathunkit?!

My world is now more focused, less cluttered. Truth be told, some friends and family don’t like that. Too bad! I like my more relaxed life. I am busy with teaching, and it’s the most rewarding feeling in the world. As I’ve often said, my students love me and want to learn things. Other musicians don’t. Yeah, I found my place after all these years. I can only hope for others to achieve their next level before it’s too late.

One last thing: I’ve learned to protect my peace at all costs. I know/knew too many assholes, to be blunt. They enjoy being antagonistic, surly, basically a bully. Again, they don’t know any other life. I never fit in a lot of wheelhouses growing up. I was made to think nobody could ever like me.

Well, I like me. (Thank you, John Candy!)

I had to learn to like me over the years. I learned to let go of the constant need for validation. Do I want to be appreciated? Yes. But it had to start with me. Was I happy with things? If yes, great. If no, fix them. I had to stop depending on others to make me happy, when they were busy making me unhappy.

Enjoy your “scene” and your “cliques”, okay?

I’ll be here with my cats.