IS THIS WHAT INNER PEACE FEELS LIKE?

When I took that selfie a few days ago, my joke was “The sun hit my hair just right.” Then I took a good long look at it, and noticed something.

Is this what inner peace feels like?

I can’t say for sure but my face doesn’t show any desperation anymore, nor any signs of fatigue. I actually have color in my face from sleeping better. The yellow glasses help too.

Ever since November 10’s gig in NYC, I have felt this change wash over me. Was I leveling up? Was I finally accepting things as they are? Who knows. Some have noticed that I’m not the same guy, and even I noticed too. Do I still crack bad jokes? Yes. Do I still dress funny? Yes. But this feeling of liberation has taken over. How so?

For years, like most aspiring musicians, we pine to be welcomed in a certain circle or clique. Do we look the part? Talk the talk? Have the right gear? For me, the answer is none of the above, which severely limits my chances of being accepted. And I fought for it for way too long. I’d go to shows, whether it was a local band or a big concert, and think “Where’s my tribe? Where’s my place in life?” And if you don’t fit, you’re in trouble. People love to try and change you to make you fit…in THEIR world. It’s a war of attrition. Wear you down until you learn their language, change your attire, whatever needs to be done.

Integrity is key.

I have a lot of it, which tends to throw people off-axis. Which is why I heard things like “You’ll never be accepted around here because you’re not an asshole like the rest of us” and “You never made it in music because you’re not a coked-out arrogant 80s leftover.” Oh and I don’t have rich parents or a well-connected relative in the business, so forget it.

For decades, I wanted to be “the guitar player” and it never happened. Not the way I envisioned. Seeing people fawning over guys like Eddie Van Halen, Steve Vai, Yngwie Malmsteen, etc…I thought “That can be me, right?” Oh Lord no! I never had the ‘it’ factor. I have the talent. But that doesn’t mean anything. At all. Yet I thought “I can be a mover and a shaker, right?” Nope. You can be Joe Satriani’s brother, and without the right support behind you, you are invisible to the world.

Which is how I’ve felt forever.

But after that gig at The Cutting Room, I got home and thought “I can walk away now. I did it all.” Well, almost all. I will never get to open for Rush like I dreamed but I finally did a gig with Living Colour! Did I expect this change to come over me? No. I figured I would go back to grinding away, maybe work on new music, and try to get people to listen to me.

And that’s the hardest part of being a musician. Being heard.

I got tired of it. It didn’t feel right to me anymore. Why stress and fret over something that is supposed to bring me happiness? I love playing the guitar, more than ever. I am more relaxed, not worried about impressing anyone anymore. I don’t have to hear snide comments or “ball-busting” because I don’t cater to anyone’s lusty whims. Musicians by and large are fragile and petulant, no matter their age or skill level. We all want to be recognized. There’s no harm in that. But when I would be excluded from things, or worse, included but made to feel like “Why are YOU here?”, it was time to slam on the brakes.

I no longer see myself as a guitarist or professional musician. If a cover band needs my help, THEN I am a guitar player but it’s not as big a deal as I wanted it to be. But when I am either sitting in my basement, I am a human being. Or when I’m giving lessons, I am a guitar teacher. I wear that like a badge. It will take a while to leave my “identity” behind (and no I’m not cutting my hair) but as of now, it feels good to just be in the moment, and not worry about “Does anyone like my music or guitar work?”

Is this what inner peace feels like?

I guess so…

**I had to add this before it went live. Picked up one of my guitars at home for the first time since the last gig with Rock Hard. Jammed to some Yes, and was instantly transported back to when I was learning Steve Howe licks as a teenager. THIS is why I play guitar…for the enjoyment.