A WEEK OF RECOLLECTIONS

Last week definitely did a number on all of us who mourned the loss of bass giant TM Stevens. We all chat back and forth via texts, was very cathartic. A couple of short phone calls helped too. The human voice will always be the best way to communicate over texting.

But I hate my voice.

Last week was also a time for recollecting things, namely my many years of making a name for myself in the music world. And true to form, I have to be super-honest with myself and all of you.

I’m not what people want to hear.

This is not for sympathy, this is fact. I’m too “strange”, “not metal enough”, “too metal”, “really weird”. Also I have heard various jabs such as “Why can’t you write like so-and-so?” and “You have to wear those sneakers?” And the cherry on top? “You don’t kiss any ass, that’s why nobody accepts you.”

I’d rather die on my feet than live on my knees.

I’ve been backing away from the supposed “scene” in New Jersey. I tried like hell to be heard, to be accepted, only to be met with passive-aggressive comments and ignorance. Musicians by and large are cruel. Everyone has that crab-in-a-barrel mentality; “You can’t be on top, get out of my way!” These same musicians around here will circle their wagons and act like they all support each other. I probably wouldn’t feel this bitter if I was welcomed into the fold. As George Carlin once said, “It’s a big club…and you ain’t in it!”

Maybe that’s a blessing in disguise for me.

But I can only take being at the bottom of the totem pole for so long.

I’ve been frequenting more cover band shows which is odd. For years I detested them, saying “It’s the easy way out” but I see more of a positive vibe than at original shows, especially metal ones. There’s egos everywhere, no escaping that. Cover band musicians will automatically get first dibs from patrons because it’s familiar music, nothing to think about. The money is easy (unless a bar owner gets a hair up his ass). Original bands will always have to swim upstream for even four people to show up. It’s a war of attrition. Plus more people are happy to see me when I play a cover gig.

I am not downing original music, as we need it. I will always be creative, that’s a given. I will no longer perform my music live, as nobody really wants to hear it. Cool with me. Maybe my music is best listened to at home or in the car, not on stage. I’m simply not an entertainer.

I tried.

Really.

At least my cats like when I play guitar 🙂